Affirmation of Life, Affirmation of Love
By Elorie Alton
NC-17
Disclaimer: All Voyager characters are the property of Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.
Captain’s Log: Stardate 50518.6; The Doctor has examined me thoroughly and pronounced me physically fit, but I’ll admit that it will take a little longer to work through the emotional impact of my experience.
The Captain’s Ready Room was always refuge for Kathryn Janeway. Its muted turquoise and pale beige decor, chosen for their calming effect, evoked a peaceful mood, something that she often needed. It was her oasis away from the chaos that rolled over the bridge on a regular basis.
But today was different, she couldn’t get comfortable, her chair didn’t feel right and she had already drank a half pot of coffee while trying to concentrate on the reports that had piled up during her encounter with the entity who’d posed as her father.
She had just paused to take the last sip from her cup when the chime announced a visitor.
"Come in," she called, setting her empty cup down and once again attempting to concentrate on the padd before her.
Commander Chakotay entered the room, pausing for a moment to gauge her mood concern flashing across his handsome face. He saw her captain’s posture, and heard the calm tone in her voice but he could also see the slight trembling of her hand as it hovered over the cup on her desk. He fought the urge to pull her up out of her chair and into his arms. He needed to convince himself that she truly lived, but all he could do was stand with his hands behind his back.
"I could have sworn I heard the Doctor tell you to take it easy a few days," he scolded.
"Taking it easy usually makes me feel worse," she replied, her eyes never leaving the padd in her hand.
He pulled a large pink and cream rose from behind his back, dangling it in front of the padd she was trying to read and continued, "You shouldn’t push yourself. You’ve been through a lot."
"Aw…" She turned in her chair to face him and reached for his offering, brushing his hand with her warm finger tips. She breathed in the fragrance for a moment, and then looked up at him. "To tell you the truth, I’d rather stay busy than dwell on what happened."
"I can understand that." He smiled, his left dimple sinking into his cheek, "I can’t help thinking about it that alien, his matrix. He was like the spider who has to lure a fly into his web."
Standing, Kathryn picked up her empty cup and moved from behind her desk. "Do you think it’s possible that each of the near-death experiences we’ve heard about are the results of an alien inhabitation?" she asked as she crossed the room to her coffee service.
"That’s a little hard to believe," he said following her to the sofa area and stopping outside the railing.
"I hope so, I’d prefer to think his species was unique to the Delta Quadrant," She lay the rose down and picked up the pot to refill her cup, "and that I’ve seen the last of him."
His smile widened and the dimples in his cheeks sunk deeper, "I’m sure that’s the case. After going head-to-head with Kathryn Janeway, he must have realized he’d met his match."
"Come on, Chakotay," she turned and set the pot and cup down on the coffee table. "I cheated Death." Leaning closer to him she whispered, "That’s worth a celebration, don’t you think?" She spread her arms as if to encompass all the life around her, "A bottle of champagne…a moonlight sail on Lake George. How does that sound?"
"Like something worth living for."
She stepped down to the main deck and giving his shoulder a tap, propelled him to the door.
=^=
Kathryn reclined on the thick cushions that stretched across the stern of the small boat. The full moon spread its gentle illumination on her bare legs and shoulders and painted soft lights in her hair that matched the silvery scarf that held it away from her face.
She was quiet now, almost quiescent. Only her fingers picking at the white piped edges of the cushions gave any hint of nervousness.
Chakotay for his part, was enjoying the sight of her body clad in shorts and a halter-top, and was glad they had stopped long enough to change clothes on the way to the holodeck. His own lightweight clothing was certainly more comfortable than the uniform would have been.
Just as he expected, the exuberance Kathryn had displayed earlier in the ready room dissipated as the evening wore on. In the beginning, they had taken turns at the wheel, enjoying the feeling of speed as they maneuvered the sailboat across Lake George. Now she sat slightly turned in the stern, staring out at the reflected bridge of shimmering moonlight following them across the lake.
It was a perfect holo image, the small waves rocked the boat with a random reality, the rigging was exactly right. Even the wind was just high enough to fill the sail, and one could hear the call of night birds across the lake.
One could count the nail heads that attached the wooden railings to the boat. The setting was beautiful and the programmer had paid such close attention to each detail that he could almost forget they were on a starship in the Delta quadrant. Almost.
"Kathryn," he said, pulling her out of her reflective state. "This is marvelous. Where did you get it?"
"It’s a Jackson Bond program, my sister gave it to me."
"I’ve heard how good his is, but this is extraordinary, the man’s an artist."
"Phoebe went to school with him. This is actually a copy of his master’s thesis. She knew how much I loved Lake George and got him to make a copy for me."
"I can see how he got his reputation."
"He specializes in sailing programs. Jean-Luc Picard is supposed to have one of a nineteenth century frigate. I’ve heard that the Enterprise crew uses it often."
Chakotay adjusted the angle of the jib, and prepared to turn the boat. It had been a long time since he had been on a sailboat, but once aboard his ability had quickly returned. He’d forgotten just how much he loved it.
"You do that well," Kathryn said admiring his skill.
"When I was younger, my father and I build a small racing yacht rigged almost like this. My sister and I sailed it on a lake near our home."
"Somehow I never associated you with a sailboat," the light from the full moon sparkled across her body as she shifted on the cushions to face him. "I remember your plans for a boat on New Earth though. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that you would be a sailor."
The forced laughter in her voice didn’t quite reach her eyes, and Chakotay saw a sad hollowness in them. He recognized it as the same hollowness he felt in his own heart when he thought of those weeks he’d spent alone with Kathryn.
Realizing that the events of the day were catching up to her, Chakotay made plans to return them to the dock. It wasn’t surprising when he thought about it. The day started with such happiness then could have easily ended in her death. It was catching up with him too. He had worked all evening to push those thoughts away, and at times he thought he had succeeded, but then he would remember the panic that had almost crushed him into inaction when he’d thought how close he had come to losing her.
But he knew that it was more than just her brush with death that was bothering her. Something specific from her encounter with the alien depressed her, and he needed to help her confront whatever demons had emerged from that meeting, the ones she held at bay with bravado and forced laughter. She had not so much cheated death, as she had outwitted it. Death was a poor loser and would take its revenge where it could.
Chakotay adjusted the wheel and sails, bringing the boat about, heading for shore.
"Why don’t we put in, and drink some of that champagne you’re cooling?" he asked as he turned the wheel and finished adjusting the sail
"Sounds like a plan to me."
=^=
The boat gently rocked as Chakotay sat down next to Kathryn in the stern. They were together and yet apart at the same time. His heart ached with the need to hold her, to feel her living body against him, not the limp dead shell his arms remembered.
He watched her over the rim of his glass as he took a swallow of his champagne.
"Where did you get real champagne?" he questioned, trying to divert her from her dark thoughts.
Her eyes lost their inward focus and she looked up at him.
"I replicated it," she gave a forced laugh, and then drank the last drop from her own glass.
"I thought Starfleet replicators weren’t programmed to produce real alcohol."
"You can get just about anything, including real alcohol, out of one if you know the right codes. And as a Starfleet Captain, I have access to those codes," she raised her empty glass to him in a mock salute.
"What do they do," he asked, refilling her glass with the cool sparking liquid, "issue a code book to go along with the fourth pip?"
"Yeah, something like that. Of course there was a list of suggestions to go along with them." She took another drink. "You know the kind," she stood, slightly swaying with the boat, before straightening her shoulders, her command posture so stiff that he could almost see the admiral’s pips on her coller. "Here are the override codes for Starfleet replicators, you are permitted to use them at your discretion. It is however suggested that Captains refrain from excessive ingestion of recreational psychotropic substances."
"And what Vulcan Admiral gave you that little speech?"
"Admiral T’Lara, the same one that told me, ‘It is recommended that a captain observe a certain distance between herself and her crew.’ I hate that one."
"What do you mean, Kathryn?" he said, hiding his surprise at her statement.
She took a long drink, draining her glass. "It almost got me killed today!"
"Kathryn?"
"During the hallucinations, the entity tried to get me to follow him by saying it would only hurt me to stay behind, that I could observe your lives but never take any part in them. He showed me my wake. I heard everyone saying kind things about me, speeches that told of how they would miss me, but everyone seemed to handle my loss pretty well."
"Kathryn, you only saw what he wanted you to see."
"I know that now, Chakotay, but real or not, it made me understand that I had no personal ties to anyone here, only duty and obligation. I’ve played the untouchable Captain too well. I’ve observed that certain distance. I’ve watched this crew, without taking part in their lives. Chakotay, I saw just how empty my life has become. I realized that I already was a living ghost and for one brief moment I believed him and I almost went with him. I could have died."
"Kathryn, you’ve got to know that all of us would grieve for you," he stood beside her, seeing her pain, and wanted nothing more than to enfold her in his arms and hug away her misery. "When I thought you were dead, I nearly died myself."
"When we first crashed, I saw you carrying me out of the shuttlecraft. You put me down and started CPR, and you kept telling me not to die on you," tears welled up in Kathryn’s eyes but she haltingly continued. "And at one point you pulled me up in your arms, and held me against you. But then later at my wake, you seemed so composed," her tears began to slowly trail down her face.
"Kathryn," he whispered as he lost his inner battle and pulled her into his arms. "The first part was real, I was so afraid that I had lost you."
She closed her eyes in relief and slid her arms around him, "I hoped that part was real, that’s really what saved me, hoping that you loved me enough to grieve. It was what gave me the courage to confront him, to trust that instinct that said ‘Don’t go with him.’ and finally to see him for the fraud he was."
Chakotay held her close, rubbing his hand across her back, his face buried in her hair.
"I think the reason he picked me was that I had almost nothing to hold me here, no husband, no children, not even a lover, but I have known love and I do love. That’s where he failed, he simply didn’t understand love. His version could only demand obedience to a father but he couldn’t conjure up my Daddy’s love."
"Kathryn," Chakotay’s voice broke as he held her even closer, shuddering at the thought of her falling into that trap.
"No, Chakotay let me finish while I have the courage. The only thing that kept me here was the fact that I love you and I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving you. I convinced myself that if I stayed, I could still see you and that would be enough."
"You said it," he breathed as he began to kiss her face. "Finally you said it, and now I can say it to you. I love you Kathryn Janeway, with all my heart," he said punctuating each word with the soft touch of his lips to her cheeks, and eyes and finally the corner of her mouth
"Oh Chakotay, I almost didn’t have that chance to say it, to tell you I love you. I’ve never had pain like that before," she whimpered and returned each of his sweet kisses with one of her own.
"Shhh beloved, I’m here and you’ve told me." He slowly lowered them both until they were again sitting on the cushions, their arms holding, their hands caressing, their lips seeking for the first intimate kiss.
Kathryn tilted her face up, her eyes closing at the first touch of his lips against hers. His tongue nudged at her lips questing and she opened her mouth in invitation, moaning in pleasure at his entry.
Overjoyed at the feel of her body, warm and alive in his arms, Chakotay gently pressed into her mouth, exploring her and savoring this moment. He caressed her tongue with his until she pushed it back into his mouth tasting him.
Finally he broke their kiss, reluctantly pulling away from her warm embrace.
"Kathryn, as much as I want to make love to you, I don’t want it to be because of a reaction to a near death experience. If we did this, and you turned from me regretting it later, it would kill me. I want us to come together in love, not because you have a need to reconnect with life."
"Chakotay, this is not a reconnection, it’s a claim. Last night, after the talent show I lay in my bed longing for you, knowing you were on the other side of that bulkhead.
"I learned a lesson today one which fate tried to teach me once before. Life is too short to be spent longing for something that is only a comm call away." She looked up holding his eyes, "I’ve finished sacrificing today for a tomorrow that may not come."
She leaned into him, his arms welcoming her body pulling her tightly against him. As he slowly lowered them the rest of the way down, she called out. "Computer play audio recording Janeway 351, continuous loop."
Violins softly sang in sweet soprano voices, as each mouth sought the other, tongues dancing in a duel rhythm, and the light of the full moon poured down over them.
Deepening their kiss, Chakotay explored the skin exposed by the deep vee front of her top, then sought the simple tie that held the halter to her body, pulling it so it fell away, exposing her bare breasts.
Kathryn reached up to him, pushing her hands under his shirt so she could feel his smooth chest and touch his warm skin, pushing at his shirt until she had pushed it up his body and over his head.
He watched his darker fingers move over her fair skin to cup a breast, then listened to her breath quicken as he rubbed his thumb around her pale pink nipple, teasing until it stiffened. The feel of her unbelievably soft skin against his fingertips quickened the upward spiral of his arousal, his mind shutting out everything but the woman in his arms.
"Kathryn, I love you, I love you," he whispered, as each circle of his thumb increased the warm electric ache of her need. Waves of passion flowed through her fed by the awareness of him growing hard and heavy against her thigh.
She rose up slightly, turning into his chest tracing her tongue along his shoulder and across the gentle curve of his collarbone until she reached the hollow at the base of his throat and began to kiss and nibble at his neck.
Chakotay sucked in his breath and stilled the moment her lips touched his throat, savoring the tense heat of arousal shooting from the place her lips touched him straight to his groin.
"Spirits, Kathryn!" He fought for control for a moment then moved down her body replacing his hand with his mouth, pulling gently at her nipple caressing it with his tongue, finding her as sweet as he had imagined.
Chakotay released her long enough to hook his fingers in the fabric of her shorts and quickly stripped them and her underwear from her body at the same time. She lay on the cushions, her fair skin glowing with a pearlescent sheen in the soft moonlight. Her hair, now released from the iridescent scarf, spread around her in fine silky threads. It was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen.
With a low moaning in the back of his throat, he covered her, needing desperately to hold her against his body. He gave into his hunger, pressing his lips to her neck and cheeks, finally dipping lower to again take the other nipple.
Kathryn squirmed, the sensation of his tongue grazing her nipple fueling the heat within, and she clung tightly on his shoulders. The exquisite sensations coursing through her body built, increasing her need with each inward breath.
She cried out when he suddenly seemed to abandon her, and moaned in pleasure when he quickly returned, stretching out beside her, the last barrier of his trousers removed, and pressing his naked skin to hers. His head again dipped to her breast and his fingers began to brush against the soft curls that covered her mound.
Seizing the opportunity, Kathryn rolled on top of him, pushing him onto his back. She pressed her body down onto his, kissing him deeply, rolling her tongue in his mouth until he growled with pleasure.
Leaving his mouth she began to move down pressing her lips to his body in effervescent pleasure reminiscent of the wine they had partaken of earlier. He caught his breath at the feel of her hardened nipples as they raked down his chest, creating a fire that shot through his body and added to the pressure of his growing erection.
She raised herself up, her hands brushing his chest and slowly rubbed herself down his length, whimpering at the pleasure of his rigid flesh against her labia.
As good as this fiery contact with Kathryn felt, it depleted the last of Chakotay’s control. He gave into the knowing need and grabbed her hips in an effort to move her so he could thrust up into her body.
Her need mirrored his so following his urgent maneuvers, she shifted into position over him and with a sharp cry sank down surrounding him with her moist heat.
His very soul rejoiced at the luxury of being inside Kathryn.
"Oh, God, how I love you," she murmured to him as she began to move on him, and he thrust up into her in response. The small boat rocked in time with their movement as their ascent began, the waves of desire building around them until there was only the two of them in the entire universe.
She moaned his name again and again, her pace quickening, anticipating the coming release of pleasure, until it suddenly claimed her, soaring through her body causing her muscles to contract, enveloping him in her steely softness.
"Kathryn," he called as the feel of her throbbing climax pulled him with her. Pushing up he felt the release of his seed as her vagina convulsed, milking him, sending pulses of pleasure that burned through him.
Weak and trembling, she collapsed on top of him, her chest heaving in time with his, hearts beating in tandem. The joy of the moment washed over them, and they could only rest after the passing of their storm of passion.
Slowly the world returned and Chakotay became aware of the rocking of the boat, the music in the background and the lush feeling of Kathryn sprawled across his body.
He listened as the music looped back on itself and began to slowly build again. Its slight discordance was familiar and for a moment he couldn’t remember where he had heard the melody, then the memory came to him.
"Kathryn," his voice caressed her name, "Were you playing this last night? It sounds like the music I heard coming from your side of the wall."
"Yes," she traced his jaw with her fingertips. "I play it often."
"What is it?"
"I don’t remember its title. It’s something from the twentieth century that I found in Voyager’s data base." She sighed and shifted to her side, draping her arm across his chest. "I though it sounded like love."
He listened for a moment then looked down at the woman lying in his arms, "Why were you playing it over and over again last night?"
"When I play this music, I can almost feel your hands touching me, and when I found myself wanting you the most, I’d play it and imagine us making love."
He brushed his lips across her hair, "You mean every time you played this, you wanted me, you wanted to be with me? I remember that I kept hearing this right after we returned to Voyager from New Earth," his strong voice catching in wonder. "I wish I had known."
"I thought I couldn’t have you, and I was miserable. It helped for a time. It’s not enough though. I’ve decided that I need you, that as hard as it will be having a relationship here, not being with you would be worse. I want you in my life. You are my beloved and I am very tired of this phantom life."
"I won’t let you go, Kathryn, I will never let you go." He accented his vow by showering kisses on her face.
"And I won’t let you go either, Chakotay. Whatever it takes, we’ll make this work, because it certainly doesn’t work with us apart." Her lips connected with his, sharing gentle kisses.
Finally he stood up, pulling Kathryn up with him, "Don’t you think we’ve used the holodeck long enough? Come back to my cabin with me, I want to hold you in my arms all night and wake up with you in the morning."
"I can’t think of anything I’d rather do more," she smiled gathering up her clothing and beginning to dress. "I want to wake up with you, tomorrow, and the next day, and the one after that."
"It does seem a shame though, going to the trouble of dressing just for the trip back to our quarters," he teased smiling seductively at her while he pulled on his pants.
"I think I know a solution," she handed his shirt to him. "Computer, end program," Then winking at him, she continued. "Computer, site-to-site transport for the Commander and I to the Commander’s quarters."
And as the couple disappeared in a blue shimmer, the beautiful illusion of Lake George returned to the database, leaving behind an empty wine bottle and two glasses.
End
Author’s note: I intentionally left the music ambiguous, so that the reader could imagine her favorite love theme. I hear Bernard Herrmann’s "Sciene d’ Armour" from the motion picture Vertigo, I listened to it several times while writing Kathryn and Chakotay’s love scene. Like Kathryn I can almost feel a lover’s touch in that music.
Elorie