The Wedding Charm
Rating - R
By Elorie Alton
Disclaimer: All Voyager characters are the property of Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.
=^=
Her patience at an end, Admiral Kathryn Janeway wondered again where her younger self was. She always hated waiting but waiting for your self was miserable. She checked her shuttle controls again, finding she was as ready as she had been five minutes ago.
"Come on Captain Janeway, we don’t need to keep the Borg Queen waiting," she thought.
She was very glad she had made the crossing into the past. It was good to see her crew before the toll of the journey began to show on them. Now with her help they would get home sooner, and everyone would have a greater chance for happiness, well almost everyone. She knew all to well the sorrow borne by the Captain. At least she wouldn’t be trapped here on Voyager, longing for but never having him.
She caressed the soft fur of her medicine bundle that was lying beside her on the seat. She willed her body to relax, praying to all the spirits that he would be waiting for her on the other side as he promised, praying he would keep this commitment.
It was fitting that her last thoughts before she left Voyager would be of Chakotay. He was the first thing that entered her mind each morning before she opened her eyes and she said good night to him each evening just before she fell asleep. She no longer remembered a moment that she hadn’t loved him.
For a very long time he was distant with her, a distance that became more pronounced after Seven’s death, as if he blamed her for the accident that took Seven’s life. After all these years she still wished he could have broken his silence, let her know what she had done so wrong. She couldn’t blame him for turning to someone else after she pushed him away so many times. What she didn’t understand was why he turned from their friendship too.
No matter now, Seven would be safe, he would have his wife and maybe Captain Janeway could regain his friendship once they were home.
Finally Admiral Janeway’s thoughts went to those last days, over four years ago. Chakotay was dying from a condition that should not have been fatal, as if he gave up living. He was drifting in and out of consciousness that last day and began to call for Kathryn. In his more lucid moments he had begged her to stay with him, and so she did. At the end he rallied for a few moments and pulled a golden chain with a cylindrical charm from around his neck.
"This is for you, Kathryn," he said as he put it into her hand. "I should have given it to you long ago. I’ll be waiting for you, my Kathryn." His eyes closed for the last time, and simply drifted away.
She brought her hand up to her chest, feeling for the small charm, only to panic as she discovered it was missing. Her eyes darted to the deck, thinking at first that the chain had broken. Then remembered laying it on the dresser, meaning to put it on after her shower. It was too late to reclaim it now.
She hoped the Captain would find it, her final gift to her younger self. While the younger Kathryn would never know it came from Chakotay, maybe the peace it always produced for her would extend to the Captain.
She looked up to see Captain Janeway enter the shuttlecraft, and knew her waiting was at an end.
"It’s about time! I’m not getting any younger you know!"
=^=
Chakotay entered the darkened VIP quarters, looking for some clue to tell him why the Admiral had sacrificed herself. Yet he dreaded what he might find.
"Not for me, Spirits please not for me."
He started to impose a distance between himself and Kathryn ever since the day he watched her walk off the bridge to be assimilated. He became a coward that day. The day he almost lost her again, the day he told himself that if he continued to love her, she would die, just as his family was dead, as his Maquis brothers were dead.
For a brief moment he had been tempted to leave her on Quarra. She would have been safer there, but Voyager needed her. If they were to get home they had to have her, so he decided that the safest thing was not to tempt fate by loving her.
Now, if Ayala was right, his worse fears were realized. He had killed her. As surely as if he had phasered her himself, he had sent her to the Borg to die.
He sat on the couch, an ache throbbing deep in his chest as he recalled the jumbled events of the last few hours.
The Admiral left first. He hadn’t questioned her departure, no one had. Assuming they would pick her up inside the nebula, he hadn’t thought to question the plan until the Captain ordered them into one of the apertures of the Borg Transwarp hub.
"Kathryn, where’s the Admiral?" He quietly inquired.
"She’s buying time for us," the captain whispered back.
"We can’t just leave her here."
Kathryn Janeway looked up, her steely determination evident in her eyes. "She’s not here Chakotay; she went to the Borg Central Unicomplex. She went to kill the Queen."
His mind numb, he returned to stand by Seven, living his worse nightmare, knowing that there was no way for the Admiral to survive such an undertaking. He knew she wouldn’t hesitate to die for them, he hadn’t known just how far she would come to do so.
Then suddenly they were in the Alpha Quadrant, orbiting Earth, waiting for final clearances. They were assured that by tomorrow, they would be able to leave Voyager, returning home as heroes.
After things began to quiet down he accompanied Seven to the Cargo Bay, so she could regenerate. She wrapped him in her arms and began to kiss him. He softly returned her kisses in an effort to sooth not arouse, but Seven’s kisses turned demanding and finally he pushed her away pleading fatigue, and she reluctantly entered the Cargo Bay.
As soon as the door slid shut behind her, he turned and walked straight into Mike Ayala. His friend stood before him with a look of pure disgust on his face.
"I thought I knew you," his voice was low and intimidating. "I overheard them you know. I thought the Admiral was lying to the Captain. I just knew you couldn’t be that stupid again, taking that Ice Princess over the Captain, but I see I was wrong. How does it feel Chakotay, to let a woman die for you, so you can fuck her daughter?"
Ayala turned and headed for the turbolift leaving a stunned Chakotay behind.
He quickly gained some semblance of composure and followed Mike into the turbolift, then stood silently until they were alone.
Chakotay took the lift offline, and turned to his friend, "Would you mind telling me what you meant back there? Who did you hear talking and what did they say?"
Ayala sighed, "I overheard the Admiral talking to the Captain outside of Astrometrics the other day. The Admiral told the Captain that three years from now Seven of Nine would die in the arms of her husband. You! She told the Captain you’d never be the same again and neither would the Captain."
"I don’t see why you think the Admiral sacrificed herself for me," Chakotay said, but the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach agreed with Ayala.
"Because that’s when the Captain stopped fighting the Admiral and started cooperating with her. I’ve always thought the Captain was a beautiful, desirable woman, but I also thought the two of you had something rare, so I left her alone."
"We’re friends," Chakotay protested.
"No, there’s more than friendship, we all see it, but you just go on and do what you always do," Ayala turned away.
"Mike, just say what you mean," Chakotay growled as he turned the younger man back to face him.
"Ok, you invariably pick the wrong woman! Sveta was a good friend to all of us, but she was the wrong woman for you. You both fed each other’s anger. I don’t know how the two of you kept from killing each other. You get out of that and who do you take up with, Seska!" He spat out the name as if the very word tasted bad. "Now this, damn it Chakotay, I saw the Captain’s face, when the Admiral told her Seven was your wife. I think she could have taken a gut punch better."
Chakotay slumped against the wall for a moment, as if to catch his breath after Ayala’s words pounded on him like fists. Then straightening up he put the lift back on line and called for deck three.
As the doors opened, Chakotay stepped out and then turned to his friend. "Thanks," he whispered.
=^=
Wandering through the corridors, he finally realized there was no where else to go but the Admiral’s quarters. He entered using his override, called for lights and began to look around.
The first thing he found was an akoona, but after a quick search of the room failed to produce a medicine bundle he decided she probably took it with her. He was surprised to know she had taken her lessons seriously.
There were three PADDs neatly stacked next to the computer terminal. Upon examination each seemed to be erased, but he double-checked each one. Using Voyager’s computer system, and a couple of Maquis tricks, he attempted to reconstruct the deleted entries.
He found nothing until he tried the last one. There was one entry, made last night. Apparently in the rush of last minute preparations, the entry wasn’t as carefully erased as the others were.
As soon as the computer saved the reconstructed entry, he opened it, to see the older Kathryn’s beautiful face. She gave the Stardate and began what seemed to be a personal log entry.
"Captain Janeway and I have finalized our plans to destroy the transwarp hub and get Voyager home at the same time. She is going to get the pathogen manufactured from Icheb’s system, and I am going to take it directly to the Queen. She doesn’t want to send me but can’t see any other way. There is no way back for me, nor do I want to go, so this seems a fitting end.
"As for death, it no longer holds any fear for me. I came to this end with nothing of real value, and most of those I held especially dear are gone.
"It is hard to see the questions in their eyes. The wondering if this one or that was one of the dead I came to save. I see the unspoken accusations that I didn’t come earlier and save Joe Carey. How do I tell them that I had the choice of bringing Joe back to the pain of a dead wife and children, or allowing Neelix to find happiness with Dexa, and although I miss Neelix terribly, I chose his happiness.
"It is also hard to watch my Chakotay with Seven. He has been distancing himself from his Captain and she is just as confused and unhappy about it as I was. God help me, I love him as much as I ever did. At least now Seven won’t die and he will be happy, it’s what I came for after all. But I wish I knew what happened to us, I wish I knew why…"
Her log stopped as the door chimed and Chakotay could hear the Captain speaking, "I can get the pathogen tomorrow, all the preparations…" the recording ended.
Chakotay sank back into the chair, despair weighing him down like tons of lead. Ayala was right. The Admiral had died for him, and the fear that had lain in his stomach nauseated him so that all he could do was run to the lavatory. Sinking to the floor in front of the toilet he emptied the contents of his stomach.
He sat for a few moments, leaning back against the bulkhead, before he stood, and rinsed out his mouth. Gathering his strength he started for the door when a lilac scarf, casually thrown across the dresser caught his eye. Turning he reached out and pulled it up to his face breathing in her scent. Needing something of hers, he started to fold the scarf, intending to take it with him.
Then he saw the small cylindrical charm attached to a fine golden chain. With trembling fingers he picked it up, looking at it in disbelief. He blinked and then looked back at the tribal wedding charm in his hand. The markings were those of his tribe and his family. And there on the side was his unique mark, signifying this belonged to his wife.
In a confused daze he took the scarf and charm and went down the corridor to his own quarters.
=^=
Chakotay called for the lights as he entered his quarters. Then laying the scarf and charm on his desk, he ordered a cup of tea from the replicator.
He sat a while quietly sipping his tea, waiting for his stomach to settle down. Finally sighing, he sat the cup down, picked up the charm and began to examine it.
The small cylinder was so like the one his mother wore, a tribal charm that was the symbol of the union of marriage. According to custom the charm containing pledges for a new life together was given to your intended bride. Upon the marriage the cylinder was opened and the old pledges were replaced with new ones of everlasting love and fidelity.
He could see that the seal on this cylinder bearing his personal mark had never been broken, so the marriage had not been made. The fact that the Admiral carried this token spoke volumes to him. He knew that once given the only thing that would have prevented his marriage to Kathryn was his death.
Picking up the small knife he used in his crafts, be broke the seal and opened the charm. When he turned it over a small data chip slipped out, not the thin paper marked with promises of love he had expected.
He turned the chip over in his hand; it looked compatible with the current systems. Taking a chance he plugged the chip into an access port to see if he could download any of the data. He thought for a moment that the computer couldn’t read the chip, but all at once the static cleared and he saw an older version of himself.
Chakotay was startled to see the change in his appearance, grey hair framed a gaunt face, and his hands clearly shook. He looked ill. After a few moments the older Chakotay took a deep breath and began to speak.
"Beloved Kathryn, how I wish I had the right to call you mine," his voice breaking, the older man paused for a moment then continued.
"Kathryn, I love you. There I’ve said it. At first you wouldn’t allow me to say those words, later I wouldn’t let myself. I know there is little chance you will ever hear these words, but I had to find a way to say them to you. I’ll put this recording in the charm I’ve made for you so my declaration of love will always be with you.
"I once told you a story about an angry warrior, and the words were true. Somehow I lost my path with you although my love never stopped. There were times I tried to deny it, but I’ve always loved you. I loved you the day I married her and I loved you the day she died, and through all the pain, anger and guilt she brought me, my love for you kept me sane. You have always been the one I lived for.
"So I am giving you my love hidden in this small charm. It is a wedding charm of my people and as long as you keep it, you are the beloved wife of my heart."
The tears were flowing down both men’s faces now as Chakotay joined his older counterpart in releasing their pent up grief.
"You were wrong Love, long ago when you gave into your fears and pushed me away. You thought you couldn’t stand to risk the life of your lover, and on the day I sent you to the Borg to be assimilated, to save Unimatrix Zero, I decided you were right. But the truth is we were both wrong and by the time you began to realize our error, I had started a relationship with Seven.
"In the beginning I thought I could have Seven’s warm body at night and your warm friendship in the daytime. I thought I could just stop wanting you. I was so wrong and I am so sorry."
Chakotay blanched at the sound of his own thoughts, words he had never voiced aloud, how could he have been so wrong. His first excuse was that Kathryn’s reluctance hurt him; he was a man and had certain needs. He had been taught that a real man put his beloved’s needs before his own and he wondered when he had forgotten that.
Now that he thought about it, maybe it was anger that made him distance himself from her, anger that he buried by telling himself that he was protecting her.
"I truly meant to tell you about Seven and me, but I kept putting it off until Seven in her blunt way told you by asking you to marry us. I knew that was not the way friends act and deep down my heart told me to stop her, but I didn’t. You smiled at the person you thought of as a daughter, squeezed my hand and said you’d be honored. Years would pass before I touched you again.
"Some where, as all this was happening, my damn stubborn pride got in the way. I realize now I was angry with you for agreeing to marry us. I wanted you to stop me, to stop me because you loved me. I hadn’t counted on the very distance I had imposed on us to convince you that my love had died.
"So one day I found myself in the holodeck, standing in front of you, next to Seven of Nine, exchanging vows of forever with a woman I didn’t even know. Spirits help me Kathryn, I looked into your eyes as you pronounced us husband and wife, and I swear I could see into you soul. I saw pain, and regret, and love. I saw your love and I wanted to die.
"Later at the reception, I saw you talking to Seven, and when I approached you both, you smiled at us and wished us all the best, and then you quietly left before I knew it, and I thought I had been mistaken, convincing myself again that you didn’t care.
"We went back to my quarters, our quarters now. Her regeneration alcove had been set up in the bedroom; her clothes were in my closet. She took possession of it all as if it were her natural right, and I prepared to make love to my virgin bride.
"There was no joy in our love making and I knew from the moment I joined us that what I was doing was wrong. I realized that I was betraying you and myself. I tried to look into her eyes but I only saw yours, and saw again the expression of your love and I lost my erection without spilling my seed.
"Seven never knew how incomplete our first joining was; I manually stimulated her into an orgasm. She got up, dressed, kissed me good night and snapped herself into the alcove to regenerate.
"There in the quite of my quarters I heard you crying and I knew then what I had lost, and I wondered how I let things get out of control. I sat on the floor listening to your grief while my new wife regenerated and knew I had no future happiness to look forward to, only days of endless unhappiness.
"The next morning when I saw you on the bridge, Kathryn was gone. My best friend was gone and only Captain Janeway remained. You were never the same again, and so began the longest years of my life.
"Seven relaxed into our marriage and the adolescent selfishness she had managed to hide during our courtship emerged. She didn’t think of anyone but herself. Everything I cared for was irrelevant in her eyes and the warm body I though I wanted had a cold heart that froze everything around her, even me.
"The final blow was when I realized that our friendship would never return, and that Kathryn had gone with it. Without Kathryn I ceased to live, I only existed.
"Kathryn, it was never your fault that Seven died on that away mission. I was a coward to let you think it was. I just couldn’t stand for you to know the truth, that I killed her.
"During the last year of our marriage, Seven began to express the desire for a child. We both knew assimilation had left her sterile and I knew that I could not bring myself to spill my seed in her. Although she never suspected the latter she had found a way around the first.
"So when you sent the two of us to scout for dilithium, she made her request, or rather her demand. I reminded her of the impossibility, but she had an answer. She consulted with the Doctor and while she couldn’t produce an ovum, she could carry a child. She just needed a donor, and she had already taken care of that problem. She asked you and you had agreed.
"Then she said the words that I will never forget. ‘Of course I told her that she had to stay away from the child, just like she had to stay away from you.’
"I asked her what did she mean and she answered, ‘Just after our wedding, I told her that I knew she was in love with you but she would just have to stay away, because you loved me now.’ and in her eyes I saw a sick kind of triumph.
"I asked her how she could have done that to my best friend. I was very angry and stepped toward her so she began to back away from me. I wanted nothing more than to get my hands around her neck, to squeeze the life from her. I can’t remember what I said to her, it must have been very threatening because she turned and started to run.
"She lost her footing and fell and though the fall was not far, it was enough. I picked her up and called for a beam out to the sickbay, she was dead before I could put her on the bio-bed.
"The Spirits help me, Kathryn! I was glad, and then the guilt hit me. I knew I wanted her dead and she was. It was years before I could come to terms with it and know that the real person responsible was Seven herself.
"Now I am dying, my Kathryn, and I still cannot give you what you need, what we both have needed all these years, each other, and that is my fault too.
"Kathryn, I’m so sorry! I thought by giving up any hopes for an intimate relationship I could protect you and still keep our working relationship. I could keep the friendship we forged. I was wrong, just as wrong as you were in the beginning.
"We could not command our relationship to be just a friendship and a working relationship. We were more, deserved to be more, and needed to be more! Instead of giving into fear and turning from you, I should have pushed you, told you, made you see that we loved each other and to deny that was a denial of the best part of ourselves!
"I wish I could go back. I’d tell you that I love you. I’d push you until you gave in, and waited for you until that happened. My love, I am so sorry.
"Kathryn Janeway, wife of my heart, I love you."
After the recording ended Chakotay sat for a while his head in his hands. When he looked up he saw the flowers Seven had brought him just before the Admiral appeared.
They were wilted, their petals scattered on the table. Picking them up, he brushed the debris into the vase then placed everything in the recycler and watched it disappear.
Finally drawing a deep breath, he picked up the charm and data chip then tapped his combadge and called for the computer.
"Computer, where is Captain Janeway."
"Captain Janeway is in her quarters."
"Is she asleep?"
"Negative."
He left his quarters knowing the step he had to make. He quickly called for admittance when he reached the captain’s door.
"Chakotay, what are you doing here at this late hour?"
"I’ve come to see you, Kathryn. We need to talk. There are certain promises between us. Promises I intend to keep."
He stepped inside, the door swished shut behind him. He took her hand and gently pulled her into his arms.
"Kathryn Janeway, we are home. You are free to love me now, as I am free to love you. I do not intend to ever be apart from you again. We have sacrificed too much and now it is our time. I love you."
She drew a shaky breath, but didn’t pull back from his arms, "What about Seven?"
"Kathryn, I don’t love Seven, I never did. I am only sorry that I let it go on as far as it has. I found something that should explain some things, and if you will forgive me I would like to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
Kathryn looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears, "I thought I’d lost you, I thought I’d waited too long. I do love you."
He let out the breath he had been holding, "I know that we have to talk and the spirits know I have some explaining to do, but know I love you Kathryn, and I always will."
He moved closer, maneuvering until they sat on the couch, and then took her into his arms.
Kathryn sighed, then straightening she circled her arms around his neck pressing her trembling body into his embrace.
"Tears, Kathryn?" the sound of his voice caressed her.
"Tears of joy," she answered.
They held each other for a long time, as if each feared the other would disappear.
At last Kathryn drew back, and looking into his dark eyes she thought she could see into his soul. She asked. "What changed Chakotay? The Admiral told me you had fallen in love with Seven."
"No, I don’t, and the Admiral’s Chakotay didn’t either," he placed the data chip into her hand.
"What’s this?"
"It’s a message from the future. The Admiral left it behind by accident I think, but I believe the Spirits meant this for us."
"She scared me," Kathryn burrowed back into his arms. "I looked at her and I thought that I couldn’t stand becoming her."
He placed the golden cylinder on the coffee table in front of them. "I found this containing the data chip, in the Admiral’s quarters. It is a Wedding Charm. In my tribe a man gives this to the woman he loves. This one bears my tribal mark. It could only have come from me, doesn’t that tell you anything?"
"She didn’t say anything about being married to you, was she lying?"
"No, I don’t think she knew what this is. The data chip was inside. It’s a recording made by her Chakotay, one I’m sure she never saw. He made it for her not knowing it would come to me. You think the Admiral scared you; this terrified me. You’ll have to see it to understand."
He took the chip and placed it in a viewer padd, then started it after placing the padd so they both could see the recording.
"Beloved Kathryn, how I wish I had the right to call you mine…"
Silent tears began a slow progression down her cheeks, as the older Chakotay told his tale of despair. But with the tears she could feel the darkness that haunted her soul lift and joy returned to her heart. She wrapped herself in his arms, both gaining strength from their embrace.
As the recording ended, Kathryn took a shaky breath and spoke, "Do you think they are together now?"
"Yes, just as surely as you are here in my arms. They are together. They’re here in us because they are us. It's our love for each other that has saved us, and in the end saved them too. I can only believe we were meant to be together. The Spirits placed this charm here to give us a second chance."
"Be with me, Kathryn," he picked up the charm. "Let me fill this with the promises it should hold, promises I will keep forever. I’ve been wrong, please forgive me?" He whispered pressing the charm into her hand.
"Only if you forgive me for making us wait. I thought I couldn’t be a woman and captain too. I didn’t realize the captain needed the woman. Instead of making me a better commanding officer, denying myself made me worse, and would eventually have turned me into the Admiral. I don’t want that. I love you and want to be with your forever."
"Thank you," he breathed. "Forever is just about long enough. Now I’d better go and let you get some rest."
"No, please don’t go!" She locked her arms around him. "I know you are tired and we both need to rest, but please do it here with me. I need you here."
His heart sang with her request. So he stood, gathered her in his arms moved her into her bedroom and joined her in bed. They soon were asleep, curled into each other.
Somewhere in the night they woke and by the reflected light of Earth, they consummated the relationship that began seven years earlier when he beamed to her bridge. She had stepped in front of him, protecting Tom Paris, looked up into his eyes and both felt the heat. The fire that sparked into life then had finally ignited and would burn between them forever.
The End