Secret Santa 2007

By Elorie Alton

NC-17

Disclaimer: All Voyager characters are the property of Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended

Nothing, not all the data stream downloads, not even the letters from her family had prepared Kathryn Janeway for the sight of Starfleet Headquarters filling the view screen, as Voyager moved over San Francisco, maneuvering to land in one of the large open areas between headquarters and Starfleet Academy.

Some buildings were gone, facades changed on others, and the familiar Golden Gate Bridge bore obvious scars that showed through the attempts to repair the damage suffered during the Breen attack in the final weeks of the Dominion War.

Nothing drove home the truth about coming home more than seeing San Francisco after seven years. Everything seemed so different, and not one thing remotely resembled any of her dreams of homecoming. Mark wouldn’t be here to greet her any more than she would be able to walk off Voyager with Chakotay, the last such dream she held in her heart.

Even the knowledge that everyone was safe, that Chakotay and Seven would live and be happy couldn’t quite dull the lonely pain in her heart, because she knew she faced years with only his name whispering through her dreams, because if she had learned anything during these last seven years, she had learned that love will survive just about anything except its denial.

=^=

The salt water tang of the Pacific Ocean swept over everyone when the cargo bay doors opened and Voyager’s crew crowded together on the exit ramp. Everyone pressed forward, eager to set foot on Earth. Home, they were all finally home.

Chakotay moved with them, his arm around Seven of Nine preventing their separation in the throng. He watched the crew as they stepped forward, off the ramp and into a sea of loved ones complete with tears of joy and thanksgiving.

He looked around for Kathryn, he wanted to see her. He needed to look into her eyes and measure just how many of the old promises remained. Years had passed with so much unsaid between them, and he knew he owed Kathryn the truth about his relationship with Seven.

In his dreams this day, Voyager’s homecoming would always end with Kathryn Janeway beside him, facing a future together. Now here he was holding onto Seven of Nine and he hadn’t even caught a glimpse of Kathryn. He wondered where he had made such a major turn in his life, a turn that now felt so wrong.

At last he spotted his captain in front at the end of the ramp and realized that she must have beamed off Voyager. She faced her crew at perfect attention, her head high, stopping everyone as they caught sight of her. Kathryn Janeway simply saluted them with that ancient military stance of hand to forehead, then turned and walked into her mother’s waiting arms.

He watched Kathryn and her mother until Naomi distracted him momentarily, stopping them, and as Seven bent down to the girl he caught a final glimpse of Kathryn in the arms of some shadowy unknown Starfleet Captain, and the heart of the Angry Warrior howled in despair.

=^=

Even after three days, that sight of Kathryn in someone else’s arms disturbed him. It ran through his mind again and again even during his interviews. The initial debriefings were mercifully short and now everyone would be free to spend the Christmas holidays as they pleased.

His mind a jumble Commander Chakotay paced the room like a caged lion. His feet beat out a steady drum beat back and forth, while he waited for the rest of Voyager’s senior officers to arrive. The Starfleet conference room was small and cramped and unless he concentrated on the view outside the windows, the dark walls seemed to close in on him.

He was aware of Seven fidgeting behind him, the ambiance of the small room effecting her normally calm demeanor. He knew she worried about him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All that he could see, all the filled his mind was Kathryn in that unknown male’s arms.

To see the commander in such a state was a new experience for Seven of Nine. These past few days had been full of surprises and the quiet, strong, comfortable man had become a surly temperamental male, and her dreams of a bright future with Chakotay were fading fast.

Exasperated she caught his arm and pulled him back to face her, "Chakotay, what is wrong with you? I have never seen you this nervous. We are only here for a quick meeting with Voyager’s staff and then we can leave. My aunt has invited us to spend Christmas with her in Minnesota; I told her we would be there."

"Damn it all, Seven!" he brushed her hand away from his arm. "I wish you would learn to include me before you start making plans for us. Did it even once occur to you that I might have plans of my own?" and he turned back to the window.

Seven sat down at the conference table shaken not by his words but by the tormented frustration reflected in his eyes. She saw the same look as Captain Janeway turned away from her crew.

Seven turned back for just a moment to speak to Naomi Wildman and when she looked up the captain was gone and Chakotay was staring at the empty place where she had been. She could see the anguish washing over him until he stood differently even walked differently. And for no reason she could find, Commander Chakotay had aged years in the small moment that it took to say goodbye to her young friend.

She caught glimpses of it occasionally the last few days, when she sat out the picture of the Captain at a velocity game and again when he caressed a small piece of wood from his medicine bundle. It troubled her.

Chakotay played at watching the blue sky beyond the Starfleet conference room windows, glancing back only once to see Seven unconsciously fingering one of the PADDS scattered across the table and gazing into space, her mind far away.

The doors swished open, he could hear the shuffle of feet, and chairs being pulled out. He could hear the doctor talking to Seven and at last he could hear Kathryn’s husky voice asking after Mrial and Tom’s proud answer. He waited for her hand to touch his back, for her voice to caress his name, for anything that would stop the pain in his heart and when it didn’t come he turned to see everyone settling down, Kathryn’s bright head bent toward Seven as the two spoke in hushed whispers, and his despair sank icy claws into his chest.

There on the bridge when they first broke through to the Alpha Quadrant was the last time she had looked directly at him. She had such a profound expression of sadness as if the weight of the universe was born on her slim shoulders. He ached to go to her, but she ordered him to the helm, to take Tom’s place. When he looked back she was talking to Seven and he realized an opportunity passed in his moment of hesitation.

As the last of the Senior Staff settled around the conference table, Chakotay found himself sitting between Seven and the Doctor, not really knowing how he got there and in his usual place at the captain’s left sat Tuvok.

Captain Janeway passed PADDS to everyone, "This is your leave information, housing accommodations and I am happy to say, a more than adequate advance of credits. I want to wish each of you a Merry Christmas even if you don’t celebrate the Holiday. Thank you all, it is you efforts that have brought us home. Dismissed, I’m sure you all have family waiting."

Tom teased, "Captain, what’s the hurry, do you have a hot date waiting for you? Has one of these admirals caught your eye already?"

"Oh no, no one Starfleet," Her laughter filled the room. "But you could say I have a very interesting date waiting. I’m meeting David for some shopping and dinner. I’m even spending Christmas Eve with him."

"That is one lucky guy to wrap you up so quickly."

Her voice suddenly turned serious, "No, Tom I am the lucky one, I made it home in time to meet him." Then she turned to the room, her face alight with a brilliant smile, "And we are all home in time for Christmas, I’ll see you in a couple of weeks."

After she had left, Chakotay realized that she hadn’t spoken one word to him. Neither eye contact nor even a pat on his back was exchanged. It was as if he no longer existed.

He managed to make a quick exit, evading everyone but B’Elanna with a promise to meet her for lunch Christmas Eve on the way out. Once he got outside he remembered that he had to wait for Seven. She wasn’t far behind him.

"Chakotay, why did you arrange to have lunch with Lieutenant Torres, when I told you we were supposed to spend the holidays with Aunt Irene?"

He sighed, "Seven I don’t want to go to Minnesota, especially during someone’s holiday. I think I’d rather visit my cousin or better yet spend the time relaxing. You go on."

"I don’t understand, I thought you wanted to spend time with me. Captain Janeway congratulated me on our relationship, she wished both of us happiness and now you act like you don’t want to be near me. What happened to transporter range?"

Seven took hold of his arm and suddenly, he didn’t want her touching him or anywhere near him.

"Seven let me go," his voice turned colder. "I told you, go without me. We are in transporter range anywhere on Earth, and frankly I need some time to myself."

"Yourself? Why don’t you tell me the truth," her anger rising, "It’s not that you want to spend time alone, you just don’t want to spend it with me. Or is it Captain Janeway that you want to spend time with?"

The anger he’d suppressed for days flowed to the surface. "Seven, leave it alone. It’s obvious she doesn’t want to spend time with me, she didn’t even speak to me and now she is off to meet this David."

Suddenly it seemed so clear in Seven’s eyes, whatever had been between Chakotay and her paled at what was between the captain and commander, and she would ever be to him was a pale imitation of Kathryn Janeway.

"You are jealous," she spat at him. "You are an envious fool, if you had only listened. David is her nephew, you are jealous of a six year old." She took a calming breath, "Give me a couple of hours before you come back to the apartment. I’ll send my things to Aunt Irene’s, she’s already asked me to stay with her. Goodbye Chakotay."

He watched her stride away in stunned silence and finally after a couple of minutes he breathed a sigh of relief.

True to her word, when Chakotay returned to his quarters, Seven was gone and he was free.

=^=

Lunch in the Paris/Torres quarters the next day was the relaxing gathering with trusted friends that his soul needed. He laughed with Tom and B’Elanna, and held tiny Miral in his arms until she squirmed in search of her lunch. And as soon as she was fed and napping the trio ate their own meal.

He told them of the breakup with Seven, and they in turn filled him in on their lives. Tom’s parents couldn’t let a day go by that they didn’t drop by just to see Miral, and John Torres had called twice.

"Why don’t you go to Indiana and talk to her?" B’Elanna asked moving the greens around on her salad plate.

"Well that was subtle, B’Elanna," Tom laughed.

"I think the captain is tired of waiting for subtle," she shot back at her husband and then waving her fork at Chakotay, as if punctuating every word she waded in, "I think the time for subtle is long past. I think it’s time for some direct action. Both of you have been dancing around each other for years, both of you moving close then backing off, but the heat never went away did it?"

Chakotay shrugged, "No, not at least for me, but after Michael and then Jaffen, I just figured she had moved on."

"Had you moved on with Riley Frasier, or Kellin?"

"You know neither of those occasions was serious, I don’t even know that Kellin existed. All I have is some handwritten notes."

"I can assure you, Chakotay, that Kellin is very real to Kathryn. I talked to her."

His fork stopped half way to his mouth, "Talked? Since when do you and Kathryn talk."

"Since I found out about Miral, I needed someone, Chakotay. I needed a woman to talk to about being a mother. Can you imagine having that kind of conversations with Jenny Delaney?"

He sat his fork back down on his plate without tasting the food. "No, but why Kathryn, she isn’t a mother?"

"Open your eyes Chakotay. She mothered all of us. Well maybe not you, but the rest of us."

"She told Seven she was very happy for us," he spat out the last words as if he couldn’t get the pain and anger they contained out of his mouth fast enough. "She didn’t care that I was making a new life."

"No, you’re wrong." B’Elanna answered. "She loves you both. You know her Chakotay, she wouldn’t stand in the way of the man she loved more than anyone, and the woman she loved like the daughter she couldn’t have. What was she supposed to do, Chakotay, from what we could see you were in love with Seven of Nine, we didn’t like it but we all loved you enough to accept it? So does she."

Chakotay took his leave of the young couple and walked back to his quarters, the words of their conversation echoing through his mind. The short walk cleared his head as nothing had during the past few days. The sun shown through a slight haze and the breeze blowing in from the bay refreshed more than chilled. As he walked a plan began to form, and by the time he reached his quarters it had substance and he was ready to put it into motion.

He checked the captain’s address and found that she had a house in Geneva, Indiana. He downloaded the address and directions into his communication PADD. Then he checked the weather and found that snow was falling in Indiana, so he replicated warmer clothing and packed a bag.

Once he had packed he made the short trip to the transporter station and arranged to be transported to Kathryn’s hometown.

He tried to contact Kathryn as soon as he arrived but all he got was a message stating she was away and would return home early that same evening.

Snow clouds hung heavy in the sky and even though it was still early, the clouds draped the landscape with a faux dusk. Snowflakes floated down as he picked up his bag and following the directions he headed for Kathryn’s house.

The walk was quiet and not far. The snow drifted down in a hushed whisper covering the ground and gently frosting the branches of the trees. He found the house easily enough, a small rustic cottage with a large sheltered front porch. He sat down on the porch swing and watched the snowflakes drifting down, as he waited for Kathryn to return.

The porch was a pleasant place, sheltered from the snow and the winter breeze. He was warm enough in his new clothing, and for the first time in many years he watched feathery flakes of snow drifting down to blanket the world around him. Finally as the dim afternoon light turned to dusk he could see a small figure walking slowly up the road and knew that Kathryn was coming home.

=^=

The snow fell in a slow lonely whisper when Kathryn left her mother’s house for the short walk to her own home.

Dusk was beginning to fall, deepening the purple shadows cast by the snow clouds. Flakes drifted down as the crunch of her boots on the walkway beat out a counter rhythm to the tempo of her thoughts. All those years of longing for Indiana and what had she found but a place that was no longer home.

Deep within her private thoughts she discovered that Captain Janeway had got everyone else home but in doing so somewhere along the way Kathryn had been lost.

As she walked she attempted to push memories of other Christmases, Voyager ones out of her mind but one refused to be denied and for a few heart breaking moments she was again on Hanon, in a cold cave lit only by the flickering camp fires they were using to keep warm.

Chakotay held her attempting to share his body heat with her, whispering words of love and sweet vows into her ear. And only now she discovered that cold night in Chakotay’s arms had been the best Christmas she had ever experienced.

=^=

Chakotay watched, hidden in the deeper shadows of the porch. He would know her walk anywhere, even the snowsuit she wore didn’t disguise it, but the cadence was different. Her pace slower, like the sad lonely rhythm of a funeral march.

When she started up the walkway he stood and moved out of the shadows, pulling the hood on his parka back so she could see him.

Her eyes met his in a flash of joy and then it winked out as an expression of pain overshadowed the light. Finally the familiar captain’s mask replaced all emotion, as she gained control.

"Chakotay? You’re here, I thought…"

"Kathryn, I have no idea what you thought but I’m here to find out. I really need to talk to you."

She pulled herself up covering Kathryn with Captain Janeway, "Then come in Chakotay, I’ll put some coffee on. How can I help?"

Her simple offer sank in like water on drought stricken land, infusing his soul and he felt the icy claws of despair loosen.

"Right now I don’t know if you can help me. What I do know is, if you can’t, no one else can."

"That sounds pretty ominous, but nothing yet has stood in our way when we put our heads together. Here," she took his coat and hung it on the hall tree. "You put some wood on the fire and I’ll get the coffee."

Chakotay knelt down in front of the fireplace pulling back the screen. The coals were banked within a stasis field and still alive so it only took moments to dampen the field and lay on new fuel. The flames caught the dry wood, and within a few minutes he had a fire.

He sat back on his heels and looked around the room. He couldn’t quite see his Kathryn’s personality reflected in the room, but then she hadn’t had time to decorate. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing. At once it struck him, there was no tree, no decorations and his heart clenched when he realized it was Christmas Eve. This was the holiday she loved the most and she hadn’t acknowledged it at all. All the evidence in this room told him that Kathryn Janeway was spending Christmas alone.

"Where is your Christmas Party, Kathryn," he whispered to himself, remembering the wonderful Christmas eves on Voyager. She may have had to postpone them as she had during the Equinox problem but there had always been a gift exchange and her quarters were always graced with a tree even if it was only a hologram.

"Chakotay?" she asked setting a tray loaded with a carafe, cups and a plate of chocolate chip cookies, on the coffee table. "Did you say something?"

"Not really," he said standing up to join her on the sofa. "I was just remembering other Christmases, Voyager ones."

He could see a moment of longing and then she smiled, handing him a cup before picking up her own, "What do you need to talk to me about Chakotay?"

"Promises, Kathryn. Ones made long ago on New Earth and reaffirmed one cold Christmas Eve on Hanon. I thought they were dead, long past remembering but I find that I need to know the truth before I can move on. These last few days have been surprising, but one thing I am very sure of is that I love you and I want to act on those promises. I realize your feelings may have changed but I can’t move in any direction without knowing what you think."

She sat the cup down, and he could see the steel she summoned up, and when she turned to him, the sheen of tears she refused to let fall. "I thought I’d ruined everything on Quarra. You were so distant afterwards. I thought we were finished," she whispered and one lone tear slid down her cheek.

He reached for her folding her into his arms, "And I thought I’d ruined everything after Teero and his mind games, I didn’t know how you could forgive me."

"Forgive you? I can’t hold something against you that you couldn’t help?"

"Nor I you, Kathryn."

She put her hand on his knee, holding him at bay, "I need to know about Seven, before we go any farther, I need to know."

"She is in Minnesota with her Aunt Irene. It’s over Kathryn and we both realized it at the same time."

"Good," was her only reply as she fit herself into his arms and melted against him.

He lifted her, pulling her body onto his lap and kissed her cheeks and her chin, before settling his mouth on hers, gently nudging her lips open and teasing her tongue with his own. He dipped in and she met him in a sweet duel that tasted of coffee and chocolate and salty tears.

Never quite breaking the kiss each breathed the others breath and he whispered "I love you" over and over, to stifle the heart felt prayer that danced through his mind, "Please let me stay, please don’t send me away."

As if sensing his thoughts Kathryn pulled back caressing his cheek where his dimples hid. "Can you stay with me?"

His eyes closed for a second to thank his spirits and he said, "Yes, I hoped you would want me to stay, I left my bag on the porch."

"Then go get it and I’ll make a couple of sandwiches."

"Don’t move Kathryn, I don’t need food. What I need is you."

He moved away watching her as she sat staring into the fire. He quickly grabbed his bag bringing it in and setting it down on the front hall floor before returning to his place on the sofa and pulling Kathryn back into his arms.

He was in heaven and hell at the same time. He wanted her with a desire that had built for seven long years, but he knew that it was time for him to allow her to choose and take control. So he settled back on the sofa content to hold her while fighting the arousal that tented his trousers and made them uncomfortably tight.

She seemed so content with in his arms that he thought she had fallen asleep, but after a while she moved, straddling his legs settling herself on his lap, rubbing herself against him. Then rising up she kissed his face and run her tongue across the tattoo on his forehead. He could feel her heat against him, even through the layers of clothing, burning, branding him as hers.

For the first time in his life, he didn’t have to fight the urge to take what he needed, to roll her beneath him tearing at clothing until he could bury himself deep. He felt the same hot fiery male agony that needed the female for completion, but this time it was tempered with a deeper need to pleasure, to stroke and kiss this woman, his woman until her eyes turned inward and her body clinched around his, and he desired that more than his next breath.

He pushed his hands up under her tunic, her soft skin smooth as silk beneath his finger tips. He stroked her running his hands down her back until she shivered and moaned. He stroked again until each hand cupped a breast and he rubbed his thumbs across her nipples. She shoved back from him with a fierce sob, and taking the bottom of the tunic she pulled it over her head and threw it to the side. Arching back she invited him to feast on the exposed female flesh.

She was beautiful as any dream of beauty that warmed his lonely nights. Her ivory colored skin was punctuated with pale peach nipples that pebbled and stiffened under his thumbs, and hardened into tight knots as he laved them with his tongue.

She pulled back a second time, pulling his sweater over his head and then lay back against his chest, skin touching skin. He brushed her hair back, pulling her up so that their mouths fit together once more and the slow sensual fire blazed higher. Again she took the lead nipping at his lips, and brushing her hands up his sides kindling heat in his skin wherever she touched him.

Kathryn shifted up off his lap, standing to push her pants and underwear down in one swift stroke. The sight of her pale skin glowing in the flickering firelight took his breath away. She reached down opening his trousers and freed his erection to the cooler air and her hot hands. She kissed the bulbous head and stroked down the thick shaft to cup his testacies testing their weight and fit in her hand. The sharp shreds of pleasure ate at him until he grabbed at her, his control spent and only the desire to give her the gift of his seed remained.

As if reading his mind Kathryn shifted back over him, moving so that his erection brushed against her slick folds and she guided him until he was nestled between her thighs and rested against her entrance. Through the red-hot heat of arousal he could hear her whispered words of love and longing, not quite comprehending them, perceiving only the emotion they possessed.

He lifted her up slightly, positioning her and then pulled her down onto his hardened shaft, thrusting upward until she was filled and he was embedded all the way to the hilt.

Words of love poured out of him like a torrent. Suddenly freed after years of suppression he could only whisper all the love in his heart in one long steady soliloquy.

Kathryn moaned, nestling against his chest, lifting her mouth, open, ready for his tongue. She breathed in his words of love accepting all of him, perfectly still she held him within her, joined, one. He reveled in the clinch of her wet satiny heat, so tight, so perfect, waiting for her to break and when she did with a low desperate keening, the friction of her movement, up and down on his penis was more than he could bear.

He gave a strangled cry, frantically working at his pants until he freed one leg. Then holding her, he turned them until she lay on her back, clinging to him, her legs locked around his thighs levering herself upward to meet his desperate thrusts.

He pounded and hammered, driving himself deeper and deeper into the warm haven of her body until she screamed and her orgasm clinched around him. It pulled at him, rippling pulses that drew him still deeper until he could only give in. His climax rolled through his body, the pleasure consuming him, sapping his strength until all he could do was let his body settle down over her, barely managing to turn just enough to keep from crushing her.

He held her close, so sapped of strength that his eyes remained closed and was only aware of her gasping breath and the fast thump of her heart echoing his own. They waited holding on to each other for breath enough to speak.

"I thought I’d lost you, I saw you leaving with another man, and I thought I’d never be with you again. At the meeting, you spoke to everyone but me. Then when you talked about meeting David, I was so angry, I thought you’d left me, until I realized that it was me that left. I’m so sorry Kathryn," he cried, his face buried in her neck.

"I thought I would die when Admiral Janeway told me that you were going to marry Seven," she sighed. "I thought I’d waited too long. Chakotay I couldn’t talk to you. Every time I tried, I just wanted to tell you how much I loved you, but you were with Seven and I couldn’t. You seemed so happy, I couldn’t take the chance."

"What a pair we are, having everything within our grasp and yet afraid to simply reach out and take it." He whispered, tucking her closer. "Kathryn, who was the man you left with?"

This time she laughed, "We will have to thank him for being a catalyst. He is a very old friend and my sister’s husband."

His laughter echoed hers and the last shreds of doubt held in his heart died.

They lay in the flickering light, both reluctant to let the other go, content in the warmth that radiated from the flames, until Chakotay’s stomach rumbled.

"Did you mention a sandwich?"

"How about some fruit and cheese in the bedroom, Chakotay? I don’t think I’m through with you yet."

"That sounds perfect. Merry Christmas, my Kathryn, I love you."

"I love you too Chakotay," and together they began a new chapter of their lives. This time together and at night when his name whispered through her dreams it brought joy.

End

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