HOME IS…

Elorie Alton

NC-17

Disclaimer: All Voyager characters are the property of Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended.

"The Captain walks!"

The word was whispered from person to person, circulating swiftly through Voyager. The captain was inspecting her ship, and the message compelled crewmen to straighten up their workstations and smooth their uniforms.

Kathryn Janeway paced through Voyager unaware that Chakotay discreetly followed her. On the surface it seemed an ordinary inspection, as she had done many times, to work out some problem. She rambled through the ship, nodding at people she passed, looking in all of Voyager’s nooks and crannies, but in between she watched her feet counting her steps as she walked down the corridors.

There was a sense of profound loneliness in her that would have diminished a lesser woman but Kathryn walked with a ridged dignified pride. She had always been larger than life, yet Chakotay could see that her spirit was in chaos and he ached to comfort her.

Finally she returned to her quarters, so he requested notification of any other excursions and returned to the bridge. He began to plan dinner for the two of them, because he had to get her to talk to him, and this time he wasn’t taking no for an answer.

=^=

The door slid silently shut behind Kathryn blocking the warm light from the corridor, as it plunged the cabin into shadows. Only the dim stars that rushed past the view ports illuminated her quarters. The room was as dark as the aching loneliness of her soul.

Her captain persona had always helped hide the deep dejection of solitude that Kathryn carried for years. She tried an inspection tour of Voyager, an activity that had worked in the past, but she continually caught herself staring at her feet with her mind a jumble of disturbing thoughts and unwanted images. She could feel the dark veil of depression threaten to descend upon her, sapping her energy even as she fought it.

She couldn’t sleep, hadn’t eaten all day and could feel the beginnings of a headache. The weight of the past seven years pressed down on her. She always believed that she just had to get Voyager home, and then there would be time for her to have a husband, children and a private life. Now she knew time had ran out, and the rest of her life stretched out before her as endless days running into endless years without anyone to help ease her loneliness.

In just the past few weeks, Kathryn had come to accept that no matter how many short cuts they found, this journey would take many more years. Something she should have understood in the beginning. Her time on Quarra had taught her how much she wanted a home and to share her life with someone she could build a family with whom she loved and love her in return. She wanted Chakotay, but she was equally sure that those short weeks on Quarra had ruined any chance she had with him.

It was very clear that for some time now Chakotay’s love wasn’t the passionate romantic desire it had once been. She used to see it burning bright in his eyes but the waiting had taken its toil. He hadn’t moved on but eventually he would.

With the discovery of Seven’s new holoprogram, she knew that Seven wanted Chakotay for herself, and that it would be only a matter of time until she acted. As the captain, Kathryn would be expected to marry them, and offer congratulations when their children were born. How would she be able to do that? The thought of him with anyone else nauseated her.

The data streams from the Federation had given them contact with home but also showed them just how much "Home" had changed. Mark was happily married to someone else, her sister had children, her mother was older and the federation itself had waged a terrible war. The home she remembered had changed, life there had moved on without her.

After a while, as if in answer to her mood, the walls of her quarters began to close in around her, so she decided to make a trip to the holodeck. She checked the computer, found a large block of time would be available shortly, and reserved it. Then she called for lights and went to change her clothes, having no desire to be the captain right now.

Kathryn Janeway reached the holodeck just as Harry and Megan Delaney exited. They passed a few pleasantries with her then left.

Once they were gone she put her personal program chip in the control panel then entered the open door. It was springtime in Indiana, and appeared to be midafternoon. There were birds singing and an occasional splash of a fish jumping in a small lake. She hurried down the gravel roadway, across a small bridge that arched over a lively brook and finally rounded a bend to get to a large cabin nestled on a hillside.

Stepping up to the veranda, she entered through the screen door and immediately dropped down onto the porch swing. Kathryn had been very surprised to find this gift from her mother in the last data stream. Gretchen Stratton Janeway always seemed to know just what her children needed and right now, more than ever before, Kathryn needed the peace of home, and this hologram of her house in Indiana was as close to home as she had now. So she lay back in the cushions of that wide porch swing and listened to those familiar Indiana sounds, and let the gentle rocking motion comfort her; desperately trying to forget about strong arms that would never hold her.

=^=

Chakotay received notification of the Captain’s movement while he was still on the bridge. He checked the readings, found she was in holodeck one, and then he quickly turned command over to Tuvok as he left the bridge and headed to his quarters to change clothes before joining her.

He recalled a discussion he once had with B’Elanna, when she told him that all Captain Janeway’s aggression was channeled into being a Starfleet officer. "There’s not much left for her personal life Chakotay, if you want Kathryn Janeway you are going to have to go after her. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always let women pursue you. You’ve never had to work very hard at starting a relationship, but none of them have lasted very long or been what you really wanted. Maybe it’s time you took action. You have to let her know exactly what you desire, because if you don’t you may find yourself with someone else. Someone you really don’t want."

He had thought a lot about that conversation and another one he had about bridges never crossed with a younger Kathryn Janeway recently. He decided that B’Elanna was right about Kathryn. She would never cross those bridges without help. Without firm concrete protocols governing shipboard relationships, each captain walked a fine line of responsibility that they drew for themselves, and Chakotay knew that Kathryn’s was narrower than most.

It was time he acted. Checking the controls, Chakotay found the usual privacy lock but he punched in his override code anyway. Deep in his heart he knew she needed to talk to someone, and he would see to it that someone would be himself.

The door opened to a country road that wound through green pools of standing water, swamp bushes and straggling vines. He had no idea where he was because it certainly didn’t resemble any place he had seen.

He walked forward through an open gate and found himself at the foot of a small bridge spanning a singing brook that danced down hill to a marshy lake that glittered in the sunlight. All around him were hundreds of wild flowers in myriad colors and he sucked his breath in at the beauty of it, and enjoyed the sweet fragrances that surrounded him.

He could hear waterfowl chattering and splashing in the lake along with the voices of other birds flying overhead, as he crossed the bridge and walked up a gravel drive. He rounded another bend in the road and found a cabin with cedar logs weathered to a soft silver color sitting on the side of a tree-covered hill, as if nature had grown it. He could see Kathryn on the screened porch, gliding back and forth in a large swing, sipping from the cup in her hand. "Would you like some company?" he called out to her.

His voice broke through her painful thoughts, she didn’t know why he was here but was very glad to him, "Hello Chakotay, yes join me."

"Where is this Kathryn?" he asked looking around at the comfortable porch, as he settled himself in a rustic chair facing her.

"Indiana."

"I thought Indiana was open farm land, you know corn fields."

"Well yes it is that, but this is also Indiana. This is a part of a natural wetland called the Loblolly Marsh. It’s home Chakotay."

"Where’s your tree?"

"Oh," she gave a wistful smile, "This isn’t my mother’s house. Actually this was my grandparents’ home, now it’s mine."

He looked around at the tall trees that ran up the hill and then down to the weeping willows that ringed the small lake. "Somehow, I always pictured you as a townhouse in San Francisco kind of woman, Kathryn."

She sat the coffee cup in her hand down on the small table between them. "I always thought I was a townhouse kind of woman too," she grinned. "But this program has reminded me of just how much I’ve missed this place."

Kathryn paused a moment, looking down to the lake, "I used to spend a lot of summers here when I was a kid, and when my grandfather passed away he left me this house and about 100 acres of Indiana swamp land. Mama sent me this holoprogram in the last data stream. I was sitting here remembering just how safe I always felt here."

Chakotay relaxed back into his chair, "It certainly has a sense of peace about it."

"I used to come here with my problems when I couldn’t talk to Mama or Dad. My grandfather helped me get through so many of the bad spots in my life. You don’t know how many times I’ve really needed to talk to him."

"Sounds like a wise man."

Kathryn looked off across the lake and sighed, "Yes he was."

Chakotay moved around the table, sat down beside Kathryn on the swing, and caught her hand with his. "I know something is bothering you, Kathryn. I thought you might be wishing you’d stayed on Quarra or brought Jaffen to Voyager." As much as the thought of Jaffen with her hurt, ultimately he wanted her happiness no matter with whom she found it.

Her eyes went wide with surprise, "Jaffen on Voyager! Oh God no! No I’m glad he stayed on Quarra."

"But you began a relationship with him."

"I know," she blushed a little, "And for a while I didn’t understand why I did that, but now I think I was looking for some place safe like this, for home."

Chakotay let go of the breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding. "Can I help, Kathryn?"

"Oh Chakotay, I don’t know, I’m just feeling kind of lost and alone. I want to be home and safe. I find myself wanting so many things that a captain cannot have."

"Kathryn, you are a human being, it’s natural to want a safe place, a home." His voice caught a little on the last word.

"I’m sorry Chakotay, I wasn’t thinking. Of course you know and you don’t even have the comfort of knowing your home is there for you to come back to."

"Don’t be sorry Kathryn, everyone on Voyager has felt the loss of family and home, and no one’s pain is greater or more worthy. Only the pain must be faced and dealt with, but you don’t face it by shutting yourself off. You deal with it by finding others to care about and making yourself a new safe place."

As he put his arm on the back of the swing behind her shoulders, she settled back against his arm. "I used to think I’d get home and there would be time…" her voice trailed off as she again stared out at the lake.

"Time for what?"

She was silent for a moment, "Do you know I’ve had three couples ask me to marry them?"

"I knew that Dalby and Mariah Henley were thinking about some formal arrangement, and I have been counseling Gilmore and Rollins, who else?"

"Tal Celes and William Telfer."

He chuckled a little draping his arm a little more firmly around her shoulders. "I should have guessed that one. People have been pairing up for some time now, and you knew that eventually some would want to make their relationship permanent."

"Do you know why they want to get married, Chakotay?"

"They’re in love?"

"That too, but each couple has stated that they want to have children."

"Of course they do Kathryn. I thought we had discussed this in the beginning. You aren’t thinking of denying them children, are you?"

"Oh, no! Not that! It just took me a little by surprise at first that’s all. Then it hit me that even our youngest crewmembers are almost thirty. No wonder they are pairing off."

"Kathryn, time is passing and they are making their homes here on Voyager." He looked over to see silent tears in her eyes and the Captain’s struggle to suppress them. "You can’t keep doing this, tell me what’s wrong. You can’t be the captain all the time, and it’s safe here. You’re home, tell me."

Kathryn sat stiff for a moment until she turned into him draping on arm across his chest and burying her face in his neck and sobbed, "Children, Chakotay. When we get home it will be too late for my babies."

He held her close as she cried, "Is this what has been bothering you lately?"

"Yes, but I was handling it until I saw Seven’s new holoprogram."

"I know she was in the holodeck when she should have been at her station, but I thought she was working out some problem."

"She was working out a problem all right, a personal one."

"Kathryn?"

"She made a hologram of a crew member, to practice interpersonal relationships with."

"And."

"It was you, Chakotay," Kathryn whispered. "She wants a relationship with you."

All the tension he had carried for the past few days relaxed. This problem he could deal with and maybe the opening he had wanted for years.

"You’re jealous, Kathryn!" He was glad to see a glint of anger flash in her eyes.

"No I’m not. She wants you and one day she is going after you."

"Kathryn, why should you care if she does? Anyway I’m the one that should be angry here. She used my image to practice with."

He watched the war of emotion flash in her eyes. He knew that Kathryn was a coward when it came to personal relationships. She had been hurt and the captain was a façade of confidence she hid behind when things got rough. He was going to see it stopped now.

"Kathryn, it’s time for truth. Do you want me, or should I find our resident Borg and see if she does." He hadn’t realized how real that threat was to her until he heard a hitch as she inhaled. He drew back for her, "What do you want, Kathryn?"

"I’m not supposed to want anything that could conflict with my responsibility to the crew, I’m the Captain!"

"And I’m not going to accept that answer! Why are you afraid of your own desires?"

Her eyes took on a stricken look and she attempted to contain her words but they poured out anyway, "Because I lose what I desire, Chakotay. I always lose. I lost Mark and Justin and now you."

"Kathryn, you haven’t lost me, I’m here with you right now."

She pulled back looking up into his eyes, "Are you sure? Things have been more than a little strained lately. It didn’t seem that we ever got back what we lost with the Equinox incident."

"Kathryn, I never stopped caring about you. I know we both have backed away from that, but I’d really like to get back that chemistry we shared. You remember that night I burned out the deflector dish?"

"Yes, you said that Voyager had split into different time lines. You said a younger me helped you."

"Yes, but what I didn’t tell you was the chemistry was there in full force and I realized now much I missed the flirting and just how much I wanted you!" He slid his arms around her completely, gathering her to his chest.

He held her close breathing in the soft scent of her hair, astonished that she hadn’t immediately tried to pull away from him. In fact her arms were slipping around his waist and her face turned into his chest.

Warmth surrounded her. His arms were protection and his scent security. The logical captain part of Kathryn, told her this was wrong and to end this now, but the woman, the nucleus that was the real Kathryn Janeway held on for dear life. She was so starved for just a simple touch that there was no way she would push him away now, there was no way to let him go.

"Kathryn? Are you alright?" Her clinging need disturbed him.

She finally drew back, "I’m sorry Chakotay, I shouldn’t have allowed that."

"Sorry? Don’t say you’re sorry Kathryn. You needed that, Hell I needed that, and the truth is we both need more. We need each other."

"But I’m the captain, I have a crew to get home I can’t let anything distract me from that goal. As much as I hate it now, it’s still my responsibility. But God, Chakotay it’s so hard and I feel so alone."

"How long has it been since anyone has touched you, Kathryn, really touched you?" He traced his finger down her arm, gently caressing her soft skin.

"Jaffen kissed me."

"No, he doesn’t count. Nothing on Quarra counts. You were brainwashed, Kathryn. What I mean is how long has it been since someone who cares about you, touched you? Someone who loves you…" He moved closer again pressing his lips to hers as he slipped his arms around her.

He was right, it had been to long and her body moved into the safe circle of his arms on its own accord.

He gently ran his fingertips along her jaw and then up to her silky hair. "Kathryn, if we were lovers, would the distraction be any worse that the denial of our feelings is right now? I love you Kathryn. I should have told you long ago."

The truth in his words settled over her, assuaging her fears, rekindling her hope. "I hadn’t thought of it that way, but yes the distraction of loving you can’t be worse than denying it."

"So, Kathryn Janeway, I’ve told you that I love you, and I know you love me but I wish you’d say the words, I’ve waited so long to hear them." The velvet in his voice stroked her.

"Words can’t begin to explain how much I love you Chakotay. I love you seems inadequate."

"Maybe, but I’ll take them anyway." He pulled her back into his arms. "Kathryn, you’re trembling."

"No…" her voice shook, "Captains never tremble."

"You’re home Kathryn, the captain isn’t here, we’re home, and his lips brushed against hers. "Make love with me." The velvet in his voice caressed her again.

"Chakotay, I want that so much. I’ve loved you for so long. I want you and God help me, I long for your children, but I don’t know how to manage it."

"Kathryn, I want your children too, but as hard as it is, we may not be able to reconcile commanding Voyager and having babies. Maybe we can work it out and maybe we can’t, but I will never leave you alone with that heartache. My children will be yours, or there will be none at all."

"Chakotay, I don’t want to deny either of us children, and I long for a baby, for your baby. I just don’t know how to be the captain and a mother…"

"Hush, Kathryn, that’s a worry for another day, right now we’re home and all you have to do is love me."

She looked around her seeing the house, the swing, wildflowers that spread down to the pond and although she knew she was in a hologram, it really felt like home. With that clear realization, she knew that she was home, because home was in Chakotay’s arms, no matter where in the galaxy they were.

With a deep sigh, she let go of all the denial that she fettered her. It didn’t matter what else had to be worked out, this man was the center of her universe and she would have him now and forever. So she moved closer in his arms and raised her face to his accepting his mouth, welcoming his tongue, and basking in the warmth of his body.

The shared kisses were soft, gentle, warm caresses like sunlight in springtime. Together they explored, tongues tasting the other and finding the sweetness of shared love, until the need to lie together tugged at them.

She stood up, sending the swing back slightly. As she took his hand, she pulled him up after her and into the house. She led him through dim rooms, up stairs and into a bedroom.

The moment he saw it, he knew this was her room. It wasn’t particularly feminine, but it was solid and strong and beautiful, just like Kathryn.

"I’m taking this as a yes," he whispered running his fingers through her hair, cupping the back of her head, holding it as he took her mouth. This time he held nothing back, savoring the taste of her, and her tired soul melted into his kiss.

She kissed him back, murmuring yes into his mouth, as she stood on her toes, reaching up so she could push his tongue back into his mouth with hers.

There were long moments of shared breath and shared kisses that grew in intensity, awaking long denied desires. It wasn’t just the need for release, but the soul deep need of making that final connection between them, and the acceptance of their love.

Kathryn slid her hands up under his shirt, barely sweeping her fingertips over his smooth chest, his breath catching with the sensation.

"Spirits, Kathryn, I want you! I need you more than I’ve ever needed anything," he said sitting down on the bed.

Her blue eyes glittered with arousal as she backed away from him and pulled her shirt over her head, then moved in closer, bending over him taking his mouth as he had hers. Drugging him with kisses until he was groaning with pleasure and jerking at her shorts until he had them open and his hands slid inside, and gently brushed through her moist folds.

Kathryn pulled at the buttons on his shirt, trying to remove it, while he pushed at her shorts until they were down around her feet. Abruptly he stood and shifted her to the bed dragging her clothing away and tossing them to the floor.

She rose up brushing her hand over the bulge that was growing in the front of Chakotay’s pants while he finished removing his shirt. With a feral sound coming from the back of her throat she sat up pulling at the fabric until his erection spring free. She drew him closer and took him into her mouth, moving down, licking and sucking until he was gripping her head, holding himself stiff as he tried to control the instinct to thrust forward.

He savored the feeling of her tongue caressing him, and when he sensed his tenuous control begin to slip he backed away from her, gently pushing her back and spreading her thighs. "Let me love you too, Kathryn."

"Chakotay," she whimpered, pulling at his shoulders.

"Not yet, Kathryn," he brushed his finger tips over her thighs, "I want to see you." Joy surged through him when his touch caused her to jerk and moan with desire.

He watched her settle back against the pillows, and then let his eyes travel down her body. She was so beautiful, he thought as he drunk in the sight of her spread out just for him, and found he loved every part of her, from the warm ivory tone of her skin to the soft tan freckles that dotted it. He wanted so badly to be inside her but first he wanted to kiss every part of her body from her mouth, down past her peachy pale nipples, to her clit that was barely peeking out from her folds.

He moved over her, kissing her mouth, then her neck nuzzling the soft skin and making shivers of longing run down her spine.

She shook when his tongue slid into the hollow at the base of her throat, then moaned as it traced down and around one of her nipples.

He drew it up into his mouth and sucked hard, then kissed his way down through the valley between her breasts to anoint the other one.

She clutched at him, trying to draw him up over her, but he wouldn’t budge. He just kept that long torturous journey down her body to her navel, licking round and round, in and out. Tracing down again, his tongue caressed her skin, his fingers barely touching her body, until he reached her thighs, opened her legs and plunged his tongue into her folds.

She climaxed almost immediately with a long moan, her hips heaved, as pulses ran out then pulled all her senses back down to her center, until all that existed were her clitoris and his tongue.

When she began to focus outward again, she became aware of his body moving back up hers, As he settled himself into the embrace of her thighs and she felt his cock, hard and thick nudging at her entrance.

"Kathryn, open your eyes," he murmured.

She looked into two dark pools of desire and the world around her shifted again as their souls connected, and his body penetrated hers. Slowly he pushed in, and her flesh stretched around his, holding his steely hardness within the softness of her body. He pushed until he was completely inside of her and her legs were wrapped around him.

"Kathryn," he whispered. "I love you. Oh Spirits I love you so much!" His body trembled with the effort to stay still within her.

"God, Chakotay, I thought I’d never have you, I love you with all my heart. I’ll never stop."

Then he began slowly stroking in and out, her body counter thrusting up to meet his. Each stroke drew him in deeper, and the world began to shrink once again.

"Harder, Chakotay! Oh god please harder!" She cried out, thrashing, begging for more of him. Her words making his hips piston faster and stronger, as their twin arousals ascended with breath taking speed, eyes holding, souls entwined.

He pounded into her, sweat pooled between their bodies, both breathing in unison when she broke into a violent orgasm. She screamed as the muscles in her vagina clenched impossibility tight around him. He stilled holding to his tenuous control until her tremors ended and her eyes again focused onto his.

He began again with a faster rhythm, fast and deep, and impossibility her arousal built again, quicker, and hotter until she exploded into another shattering orgasm. Kathryn looked up into his dark eyes and saw his control shatter. His body jerked against her and he moaned deep, guttural noises until he made a hard thrust and stiffened.

She felt the warmth of his climax flooding her with sperm, giving her the gift of his life force, and she felt the weight of his big body sink lifelessly down upon her. He pressed her down into the mattress, covering her, holding her, his penis softening but still within her. They were one now, one always and forever.

They lay together in the quiet of her holographic bedroom until the computer sounded the five-minute warning.

"Kathryn, come back to my quarters. We can eat, and talk," he said as they gathered up their clothing and quickly dressed.

"Can we do this again?" she smiled in the quirky Kathryn way that melted his heart.

"As long as you want to, whenever you want to. Forever love."

"Then what are we waiting for?" She looked to make sure he was dressed, ended the program and removed her chip.

Kathryn almost bounced all the way back to his cabin. For the first time in many years she felt alive, strong and complete.

Chakotay wanted to shout. He wanted to tap his combadge and tell the whole ship that Kathryn Janeway was his, and the fit was perfect.

The moment his door slid shut behind them she was in his arms. The kisses were long and sweet, until her stomach rumbled and she remembered that she had eaten all day.

"Well you did say something about food." She said grinning up at him.

"Yes, I did. I programmed supper earlier, I hoped that you would come back with me, I just didn’t realize we might need champagne."

He punched in some instructions at the replicator, as she lay her chip down on the table. It was flashing and she hadn’t realized it.

"Chakotay, there’s a message on my program chip."

"Why don’t you play it? Maybe your mother wanted to say something to you?" He pulled two plates of spinach lasagna from the replicator and sat them on the table.

She put the chip into the computer terminal while he retrieved two salads and a plate of garlic bread. As he sat ice tea down and walked to her side she downloaded the message.

"It is from my mom."

She touched the play button and the image of Gretchen Janeway filled the screen.

"Oh Mama, you know me so well, but I’m not stopping with the holoprogram, because I am home, here with Chakotay."

She finally looked away from the screen and into the eyes of her soul mate. "We need to send a message to her, don’t we."

"Yes we do Kathryn. Now come over here and eat, it’s a long time until morning and there are things I want to do."

End

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